Course Exercise: Father & Son
Let’s Review
In this example, the Father of a young man, 22-years-old, forced to leave college six months ago due to social anxiety and depression, decides to try and have a heart-to-heart with his son to motivate him to take some action. After putting the conversation off for several weeks, Dad finally decides tonight’s the night when he finds out his young-adult son didn’t wake up until 3 in the afternoon! Like most loving and supportive parents our Dad here thinks maybe if he could just have a reasonable conversation with his son, it will help to move him along. Believing that his son deeply desires the companionship of a girlfriend, Dad decides to try and weave this into the discussion, to try and leverage his son’s desire for a love relationship, as a way to increase his motivation to take on more adult responsibilities, to get him to apply for a job.
Our Dad approaches his son’s bedroom, where he has been playing video games all afternoon, knocks on the door and asks if they could talk for a moment. The room is stuffy, humid, messy and dark. As Dad speaks, his son just stares down at the floor. Dad starts,
“Ya know son, I’ve been thinking about your situation. There are plenty of young people your age who come home from college and don’t know what to do with themselves. You have nothing to be embarrassed about. In fact, I think it’s a good idea that you take some time away from school to live your life for a while. But it has been six months now, so I really think it’s time that you start to consider moving things along here. You can’t just sit in your room forever! What’s your plan? Have you thought about what you want to do? What direction? Don’t you want to get out and see some friends? Maybe meet some new people? Don’t you want a girlfriend someday? Don’t you want to meet someone, get your life going? I was your age when I met you Mom for Christ’s sake. I don’t know what young lady would want to date you son if all you do is sit in your bedroom, playing video games all day. What happened with the resume we worked on that I had asked you to finish? Why don’t we take a look at it? A good friend of mine from work has a son who is delivering packages for Amazon. He makes decent money and say it’ s a perfectly decent job. He mentioned to me that they might be hiring. I could pass along the resume for you”.
Though Dad hopes his son will say something in response, he never says a word.
What was your reaction to our Dad’s effort to motivate his son? Do you think he was successful? Do you think his son would be motivated to get a job as a result of this conversation? Why or why not?
The Son’s View
Here, we will go back through our Father-Son conversation translating the way in which we could expect our young man with social anxiety and depression to have likely experienced this interaction. Before reading through, ask yourself, what have you learned about the relationship between mood and thoughts? How might knowing that the son has social anxiety and depression help us to understand this young man better? What might this tell us about his motivation for making a change?
Father: “Ya know son, I’ve been thinking about your situation. There are plenty of young people your age who come home from college and don’t know what to do with themselves. You have nothing to be embarrassed about.
Son’s feeling(s): humiliation, frustration. Thoughts: Yeah, right. O.K. Dad. I'm sure you would have been just fine with taking time away from college (when you were my age)
Father: “In fact, I think it’s a good idea that you take some time away from school to live your life for a while”
Son’s feeling(s): shame and frustration. Feels as though his Father is lying, placating him, and rationalizing the situation. Thoughts: you’re so full of sh*t. You’re just trying to make it seem like it’s not as bad as you know it is.
Father: “But it’s been six months now, so I really think it’s time that you start to consider moving things along here. What’s your plan? Have you thought about what you want to do? What direction?
Son’s feeling(s): anger, frustration, despair, hopelessness. Thoughts: Don’t you think if it was that easy Dad I would have done it already? This man will never understand me.
Father: You can’t just sit in your room forever!
Feeling(s): Anger. Thoughts: No shit! Thanks Dad.
Father: Don’t you want a girlfriend someday? Don’t you want to meet someone, get your life going? I was your age when I met you Mom for Christ’s sake. I don’t know what young lady would want to date you son if all you do is sit in your bedroom, playing video games all day.
Feeling(s): deep shame, misunderstood, hurt. Thoughts: I can’t believe he is bringing this up now. Yes Dad, I want to be alone my whole life. You don’t get it Dad! Girls don’t even look at me! I’m a leper! Will he ever realize I am not him?
Father: What happened with the resume we worked on that I had asked you to finish?
Feeling(s): deep shame, fear of being exposed. Thoughts: Oh sh*t! I haven’t looked at it since. Please God don’t ask me to work on this with you now.
Father: Why don’t we take a look at it?
Feeling(s): panic, fear, anger, resistance. Thoughts: Why is he making me do this?Noone will ever hire me. I’m useless, My resume sucks! What am I going to say when they ask me why I am not in school?
Father: A good friend of mine from work has a son who is delivering packages for Amazon. He makes decent money and says it's a perfectly decent job. He mentioned to me that they might be hiring. I could pass along the resume for you”.
Feeling(s): sadness, worthlessness, fear, deep shame. Thoughts: I’m so pathetic, I can’t even work at Amazon. I can’t get myself a job, my father has to do it for me. And to make the situation even worse, my Dad’s friend’s will know what a pathetic loser I am too.
Ask yourself, does this match your assessment of how effective Dad would be at motivating his son with this conversation?